Dear Diary  Dear Journal
by kbardonner619
Summary: Weeks after Stefan's disappearance with Klaus, Elena and Stefan write in their diary/journal.


_Dear Diary,_

_I made it through another day. I'm feeling exactly like I did a year ago after my parents died: I'm just going through the motions and saying that I'm fine when really I feel that I might lose it with the slightest word spoken to me. It wasn't enough that I lost my parents, all five of them, but now the love of my life is gone and I haven't heard one word from him in weeks. Damon has been helping me keep it together or been there when I actually do fall apart. I see now that there is more between us than just friendship but that doesn't matter at this point. The love I feel for him is like one grain of sand on the beach of my love for Stefan. It's not Damon's name I wake up screaming at the top of my lungs. It's not Damon's arms I want wrapped around me. It's not Damon's face I see everywhere I turn. Damon cannot replace my true love no matter what Katherine thinks._

_That night when she came back, she made me so angry. It isn't like she's made a mess of everything for me. But then she casually walks in to say that I can love both Stefan and Damon like she did. I will never be like Katherine! How many times do I have to scream that for it to sink in? The kiss she saw was a last request of a dying man, nothing more at the time._

_But my hatred of Katherine is nothing compared to Klaus. When I don't dream of Stefan, it's Klaus I dream of. I see him coming after me and then Stefan time and time again. Every time is a bit different and each time is a bit scarier. I fear the torture he's putting Stefan through and the satisfaction on his smug face when he gets the response he wants. It makes me so sick to my stomach even more than when the tomb vampires tortured him. The thing that makes it worse is that I don't know how to save him._

_So this is my solemn prayer: that Stefan is strong against Klaus and comes back to me the soonest he can so that we can be whole once again. Until then, I will continue to make it through each day and to pray for him since this is all that I can do._

With tears falling down her face, Elena looked out her window at the moon wondering where Stefan was at that exact moment and if she was in his thoughts.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_I survived another long day. Each is a struggle to keep a hold of myself and who I really am. Some days, I feel that I'm one push away from giving in to what he wants me to become but my stronghold is and will always be Elena. Seeing her and touching her and hearing her voice in my dreams gives me the strength I need to keep fighting._

_Although I will never forget the faces of the people I've killed, I will never give Klaus the satisfaction of me becoming a true "ripper." I have come too far now to allow myself to backslide. My guilt for taking human life now, though it is great, will never surpass my guilt for turning my brother back in 1864. That is the reason I'm here now because I couldn't let my brother die if I knew a way to save him. That is the reason I let Klaus think that I've changed back to who I once was all those years ago._

_But this "change" is not permanent just as it wasn't back then. I know who I really am and what I want out of life. Each day I think of how I can escape from this without bringing Klaus back with vengeance and each day the solution eludes me. But, I will not give up on that either. Not now, not ever._

_Being this late at night, I can't help but think about Elena and how part of me is missing. This is the biggest regret of my decision: leaving her without the answers she deserves and not being able to explain to her. I just can't risk the chance that he will hear. I have a hard enough time keeping this journal from him._

_I just hope and pray that she understands why I had to do this and will be waiting with open arms when I finally return._

After slipping the journal back into its hiding place, Stefan looked up at the moon and wondered Elena was thinking of him while he was thinking of her.


End file.
